Friday, 10 September 2010
Chapter 13 - An Answer
My head and heart were racing. There were a million thoughts rushing through my head and my heart was beating so loud I swear they could hear it in Riverview. The moment stretched out until it seemed to last forever. Both of us there frozen in position staring at this shining ring between us.
The silence was finally broken by a bird flying over head. The spell ended Blue looked at my face and down at the ring.
"It's too soon." He whispered. "I'm sorry Rosé I shouldn't have rushed into this. I've given you a lot to take in at one time and I should have realised that this wasn't the moment to ask you to marry me."
I just started at him dumbly willing myself to move or talk.
"Don't worry," he said. "You don't need to answer right now."
Yes, say yes you fool my heart screamed at me. But my lips wouldn't move to make the words come out.
"I am not taking this as a yes or a no. I should have waited and I will. Give you some time to digest the bombshells that have been dropped on your life. I will ask again Rosé." He said, his voice softening. "When the time is right, and when it seems you're ready you will find me back on one knee. I love you." His voice was barely above a whisper and I could feel the passion flowing out of him as reached up to stroke my face.
His touch sent a fire through me that jolted my body back to life. Even so the only thing I could mange to say was "I…". Feeling increasing conscious of how long I had ben standing immobile I tried to push forward. "Blue…"
"It's ok Rosé. Please don't worry about answering. In fact to help you get some time to think I might see if Plum will let me stay at his old house. Give you a bit of space. But you know where I'll be when ever you have questions that need answered." Decision made he seemed full of energy and confidence once again. "I'll be seeing you soon Rosé," he said and with a quick peck goodbye he was off. I stared dumbly after him long after he was gone.
It wasn't until I got to the car the I realised the I had the keys all along. He must have walked home leaving me the car. My heart did flip-flops in my chest. I could sense the emotions trying desperately to break through my emotional coma.
I was barely through the door when the twitter feed on my phone starting going nuts. It was Rose Tea. How in my life of secrets and lies, a life where I feel I know nothing about anyone close to me, Rose Tea in a whole other town knows of my predicament with Blue is beyond me. I suppose it is one of those mystery's of life. I logged on to the computer to chat with her about it. She is a wise woman who has been through a lot of heart ache lately and one thing echoed in my mind.
What if? The question rattled around in my head until I couldn't hear anything else.
What if I marry Blue and he is still lying to me?
What if he is actually still on the case and has to arrest my mother?
What if I have to choose between my mother and my husband?
The sound of soft sobbing distracted me from the overwhelming questions. I glanced around trying to find the source of the noise shocked to find that it was morning.
"Plum?" I haven't seen him mourn her publicly since they gave us the ashes.
"I still miss her Rosé." He said tears still streaming down his face.
"So do I, everyday."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to break down in front of you. Seeing that house just brings backs so many memories."
"Oh Plum, love shouldn't hurt so much." I said as he cried into my shoulder.
"Yes it should." His voice muffled with tears.
"But you're in pain." He wasn't really making sense. Surely pain is bad.
"Love, true love, is so deep that is rests in your soul. It changes you, takes you in and moves you to great heights. It moulds and shapes you in to the person you are with gentle guiding hands. It seeps into every corner of who you are until you are nothing without it. You live for it, breathe it in and you would die for it. The loss love that deep and true rips your entire being to pieces. You are no longer you without that love. But through all that pain, through the excruciating agony that reminds you with every breath of your loss, you know that you have the pain because you had the joy. It's true without the love there wouldn't be the pain but I wouldn't want to live without having had my love for Nuala."
My heart hammered harder with every word trying desperately to get free. My head was reeling my world spinning out of control.
"I see you Rosé, you and Blue, and I know you understand what I mean. The spark, the lightning, that is between the two of you when you are just in the same room is so intense you can almost reach out and grab it. The pain that comes with it is so intense because the love is so deep and strong and pure. Every moment where it feels like your heart is breaking after a bad day or an argument just know that it hurts because of the love. Promise me you'll remember that Rosé. Remember that and hold on to it. It the darkest night just think, what if I lost Blue and remember your love."
What if I lost Blue.
The words struck a cord deep in my soul and the emptiness surrounding me shattered into a million pieces. Fully free now my heart raged and a surge of emotion washed over me. I gasped. The shock of it was so intense that I could barely stand.
What if I lost Blue.
Pain, a different pain to the feel of hurt and betrayal, tore through my chest. The pain of loss. What have I done! The man I love was down on one knee with a ring and I couldn't even speak.
Blindly I rushed out of the house. The pain of loss was so strong that it feels as if he too had died and left me. I have to see him, to see for myself that he is still here.
The sun on the sand is bright, too bright. I can barely see to find him. I stumbled towards the house, is it raining? I feel water dripping on my hand as I run. A movement out of the corner of my eye caused me to turn and catch sight of him standing at the edge of the beach.
Relief flooded through me as I ran to him. I fell into his arms weak from the release of my pent up emotions.
"Rosé?!? What's happened? What's wrong?"
"Blue!" I cried gazing into his beautiful eyes. "My answer I know it, I should have known it earlier. It's yes, yes a million times yes."
"Rosé." He breathed pulling me close.
"Was it so hard to choose me?" He said as we pulled apart.
"No. No. There should never have been a doubt. I love you Blue. Deeper and more passionately that I ever thought possible. I want to be with you always."
"But Rosé, you're crying."
"Am I?" I touched my face and was surprised when fingers came away slick with moisture. At the sight of it I just laughed. There was no more need for tears the pain was gone. The doubt was gone.
I will always have Blue.